I will be the first to say it.

I did NOT appreciate the days enough when Piper sat in a car seat and slept the entire time that Tyler and I would be out to eat.  It was just TOO easy and I didn’t even see it.

Man those were the days.

Now…. She’s 15 months old and she has opinions and things she wants.  She also was not blessed with patience.  Not even a little bit which makes going out to eat even more fun.

I know that we should take her out to eat more.  The more she goes the more she will get used to it, I get it, I really do.

But FUCK.

It’s such a pain in the ass.

In fact, I’ve chronicled that it literally involves 24 steps to take her out to eat.

How to take a toddler out to eat in 24 Easy Steps

1. Select a restaurant where its totally ok for your kid to randomly grunt, roar, and occasionally scream

Ok Mexican it is.  Again

2. Pre pack your kid some food to take to the restaurant

They will get super pissed if they have to sit there and wait for food so you better have that shit ready to go.  Fruit, puffs, turkey are all good options.  You can never pack too much food.

3. Pack hand sanitizer

Once you kid throws all the fucking food I mentioned above on the floor because they only want chips and salsa you’ll be able to clean your hands after touching the disgusting restaurant floor.

4. Locate your high chair cover and throw that in the car.

High chairs are kind of disgusting, probably don’t want your kid to touch it.  Toddler will inevitably smash their banana into the cover so you’re going to need to wash that later (ahhh fuck it, who are we kidding, you aren’t washing it later).

5. Enter restaurant.  

Hostess may ask you if you’d like a high chair.  Respond with a no because obviously you’d just like to have your kid sit on your lap the whole time.  You know because they love sitting still and snuggling with you while they patiently wait for you to eat your meal.

6. Find the spot at the table that your kid will be eating at.  

Cover it with one of those disposable placemat deals that sticks to the table.  It will take approximately 3 minutes to get the stupid plastic things off the back of said placemat during which time your husband will tell you that this is fucking ridiculous.

The only response to him is “the look.” You know, the one that says shut up or I will cut you.

If you chose to skip this step know that your child will likely die or at a minimum contract ebola from eating food off the table.

7. Order food, give kid some crayons, begin adult conversation.

Plan on getting everything you have to say to your spouse out in approx 45-90 seconds.  That is how long you have until your child begins eating the crayons.

Crayons are safe to eat right?

8. Make sure to bring something for your child to drink in a sippy cup.  

They won’t drink it though because they want to drink from your cup with the super special amazing straw you have.  Let child drink from cup to stop the high pitched screaming.  And make sure to let them do it themselves.  They don’t need you mom.

Perfect, they spilled an entire glass of water all over themselves.

This is just fucking great.

9. Back to adult conversation….

30 more seconds

10. Look over, kid is trying to escape from high chair and has used the 30 seconds of alone time to throw all your snacks on the floor.

11. Tell your child to stop being a dick.

12. Pick up shit off the floor

13. Resume conversation.

14. Catch your child staring creepily at the table next to you.

Don’t even try to stop them, they’re sitting still.  Use this additional 15 seconds for adult conversation.

FOOD’S HERE.

This is fantastic news because you are REALLY starving.

15. Ignore your own food and proceed to tear your kid’s food into tiny pieces.

They will likely be super patient with you while you are doing this and won’t be screaming or say Enhhhhhh and pointing at their food.

16. Spend the next 5 minutes blowing on your child’s food to cool it.

Phooooooooooooooo

Why the fuck is this taking so long!!!!!

Phooooooooooooooo

1 bite to the kid.

Phooooooooooooooo

Another bite to the kid.

17. Gaze longingly at your food.

18. Gaze at your husband shoving his food in his mouth without a care in the world.

Seriously!?

19. Finally, time to eat!

Your kid has 20 small pieces of food, you should have a solid 2 minutes to get some food in your belly.  Don’t waste a moment.

2 Minutes is up.

20. Kid is done eating

The beast is getting restless.  Time to go.

21. Flag waiter down.

Ask for a to go box and give them your credit card pronto, this kid is a ticking time bomb.

22. Shove the rest of your food in a box,

Bend over check out under the table.  Precede to clean up an equal amount of food off the floor.

Oh you don’t clean up the floor after your kid?

You’re a dick, clean it up.

23. Use a wet wipe to clean your kid’s face.

They really like it when you do this, they shouldn’t resist or fight back like a wild animal covered with a blanket.

24. Pack up your kid, the diaper bag and GO.

Look at your spouse and say, why do we do this again?

I’m ranting… I know

This little child, she makes me crazy sometimes but I love her to pieces and wouldn’t change a thing.

Besides, life, and trips to restaurants, would be way more boring without her.

Got any tips for me?

If you’ve got some ideas (ANYTHING) that might make my life easier, hit me up in the comments.  Then I can stop ranting so much.