Not just doing it for the sake of doing it. Toe curling, sheet grabbing, animal noise making sex.
It’s good. It’s healthy. It’s hot. Its the stuff great relationships are made of
But things get in the way after a kid or kids.
Wanting alone time after the kid is asleep
Needing to catch up on house cleaning, email, and fun crap like that
Have I mentioned tiredness?
Before you were a mom, you were a wife, and before you were a wife you were a girlfriend. Back in those days your responsibilities were much less and your time much more. Your husband or boyfriend was probably your top priority so sex came naturally. You didn’t have to “make time” for it because you just wanted to do it. You didn’t find yourself angry at your husband because he forgot to pick up the milk or didn’t help with bath time. The amount of shit you got pissed about was much much less so sex just happened more. Spontaneous sex. Morning sex (back in the days when you were the only one screaming at 8 am if you know what I mean).
Then you had a kid
You swore you wouldn’t turn out like your friends who complained about having sex with their husbands. You would never be her. You’d keep it HOT, but then somewhere along the way it just wasn’t happening like it was before. Shit.
But here’s the thing. You have to start making it a priority. Like today. I know you’re tired, I am too. I know you’re overwhelmed, your laundry isn’t done, your email inbox is full, and you really need to hit the gym. But sex is important and even when it doesn’t feel necessary for you, its definitely necessary for your husband. Just like your kid needs to be fed and changed your husband needs to be screwed, and just because there is no DHS for him to report you to if you deny him his nookie doesn’t mean that we can let sex go by the wayside.
I don’t mean to sound like women don’t ever want to have sex and men always do, that isn’t always the case. But generally sex becomes lower on the priority list for a woman when she feels like she has 100 other tasks to complete, we just don’t think about it as often as men. In fact, I recently read that the sexual pursuit area of the brain in a man is 2.5 times larger than that of a woman. 2.5 times! No wonder they are constantly talking about sex, they can’t help it. In fact 80% of men, 80% say that sex is the most important aspect of their marriage. And when asked if there is one thing they could change in their marriage men said they wished their wife was more interested in having sex and more willing to initiate it. And get this, its super important to them that you BOTH get off. Ahhh men are so giving aren’t they?
Let me ask you this, if it was dinner time and you realized you hadn’t eaten all day, but you weren’t hungry would you still eat? Probably. Why? Because you know if you don’t you’re going to feel like complete shit soon and food is necessary for you to live. Well lets start to think about sex in the same way. Even if you aren’t horned up like a teenager maybe you just need to do it anyway. Fake it til you make it mentality. And don’t just lay there and take one for the team (although sometimes that’s necessary too) slap some cold water on your face, look at yourself in the mirror and say, lets do this. Pretend that your marriage depends on it because in all reality, it kinda does. And guess what, research shows that the more you do it, the more you will want to do it. “You develop a desire that wasn’t normally there” clinical psychologist Andrea Macari says.
And if you don’t?
Whether you want to admit it or not a lack of sex is going to make your overall relationship suffer. Maybe not in the short term, we all go through dry spells, but definitely in the long term. When you are lacking in the sex department you are missing a level of connection that brings us closer. For Tyler and I, when we aren’t getting busy enough we fight more, there is more tension in the relationship, and he just gets squirrelly. When this kind of stuff happens I often wonder what the hell the problem is and usually it dawns on me that we haven’t had sex in a week. Once we put sex back on the priority list, the relationship improves. Every time.
How Can we make it better?
I want to be very upfront in the fact that my relationship is not perfect when it comes to having lots of sex, not even close. We fall in ruts, we make mistakes, BUT we also have awesome communication and we’ve created a safe space to talk about issues like this in our relationship without judgement. That is key. If you feel don’t feel comfortable addressing issues in your relationship with your partner without it turning into a huge fight, I highly recommend counseling. That doesn’t make you weak, it makes you smart. My relationship is only as strong as it is BECAUSE we’ve been through counseling and lots of it.
But if things are overall pretty good, you just need some tips to keep it fresh and exciting try these 4 things today:
1. Schedule it. Boring I know. I’m not saying you should do this forever, but maybe just for a couple weeks to get you back in the swing of things. Do it on Tuesdays over your lunch break and Friday’s after the kids are sleep. Do it when you first wake up on Monday’s, I don’t really care when you do it, but just to get yourself back in the saddle, schedule it a couple times. And if you’ve recently had a baby, grab the lube, you’re going to need it.
2. Don’t be afraid to try new things. Maybe sex is just boring, you do the same stuff, same positions, it happens like clockwork. Well spice it up sister! Head over to spicygear.com and order yourself a new toy or two. You’ll be so excited to try it out I promise! Plus your husband…he’ll be surprised, I promise. And while you’re at it, head to Victoria’s Secret. Buy yourself something that makes you feel sexy. When we feel sexy we are more likely to act sexy.
3. Own it. What do I mean by that? If you need more romance to get yourself in the mood, then be more romantic. You need to kiss more to get in the mood? Then make it your job to kiss more. You feel like you need more sex, then be the one that initiates more sex. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Put in some effort.
4. Increase your sex incrementally. Don’t feel like you have to start having sex every day in order spice things up. How about you just start by doubling the frequency? Then after a few months, maybe double it again. Start small, work up to it.
5. And if you’re really crazy you could be like these people. They had sex everyday for 365 days. (Woh Woh Woh, lets not get carried away).
What do you think?
What’s your best tip for keeping things exciting after you have kids and 1000 responsibilities? Tell me in the comments below. Sharing is caring you know!